Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The adults are the big ones right?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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