She is in my trunk
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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