I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize