what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
A bitchslap is in order.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
