I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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