after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
