took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
