I cannot find my penis.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
