dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
