This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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