at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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