What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
