i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I puked a lego.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
