you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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