life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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