her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
