You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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