I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You may now shotgun with the bride
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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