I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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