I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
