Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Two words: blizzard sex
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
