Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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