Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
