She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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