The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
