No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
