I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
