So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
