There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
