He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
