So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
