Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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