Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
