come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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