Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
