I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
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