Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
