I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
