youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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