i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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