I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
