You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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