im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Randomize
