Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
