I met the friendliest cop last night
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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