I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
