went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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