I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize