i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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