I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
