I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
