i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
