i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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