My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
