You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize