I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
