My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
His nipple licking is glorious
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