What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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