i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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