guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
